I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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