you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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