there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
