I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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