if i can run in heels then i can drive
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
