Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
