Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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