Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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