so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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