Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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