I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize