Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
