I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
