i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
