Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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