i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
