instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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