I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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