If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
