Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
