His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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