Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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