Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
