my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
