i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
