she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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