Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
