it wasn't lemon gatorade
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize