i wish my penis had a tongue
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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