I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
