I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
