I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
