my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
