I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
