I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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