My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i dont even know how to be here
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
