fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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