Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
