he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
