Got a toothbrush?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He shit in the fireplace
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
