I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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