i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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