fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
