Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
