Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
