mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
