I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
