Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
