A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
