im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
