So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
