If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
