My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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