My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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