In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
