I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
whose ass print is on the piano?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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