sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
