I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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