We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
