I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
