I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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