tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
